At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance My sister and I decided to reframe a favorite photograph of our mother and father from when they were dating, some 60 years ago. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on? he asked again. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier.Just's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. 6. Dont worry about avoiding temptation. ""Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. "So was Santa good to you?" Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave. Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, Soon Ill never need to go back to the beauty salon. At my age, getting a little action means I dont need to take a laxative. They both come out at night! When I was young I just drank straight from the bottle. Youve got to be kidding, he said. Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart Funny Examples of Irony While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, Hows your love life? I dont know, he said. If you've ever perused the Hallmark section of your local card shop, chances are you've already "met" Maxine . Little by little, pinch-by-pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. Congrats on proving that getting older doesnt mean getting wiser. Its your birthday, and there are more candles than cake. 65. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. I make more then $12,000 a month online. Shes only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end, I suggested. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. Check out my store and When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. Youre old that the Dead Sea was only sick when you were born. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from Medicare for every visit to the Doctors office. ?" I Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!. She Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties? Make fun of those grey hairs with these old people jokes and jokes for seniors. "Great," she said. Bob suggests they go in. Can't take my arm off, but I can give you the finger. The grandmother picked up one of the ducks and then set it down on the middle shelf. This farmers wife prayed to the Lord and asked him, How old will I be when I die? His reply was 96 years old. The following are the funniest getting-old jokes for seniors. John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmothers house for a visit. What's. At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. Youre so old that I heard your social security number is 000-00-0005. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. She got twice as much Bob on half as much pay. Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbors cows! Poor Old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. Forget it once. We finished the day with a banana split. I like to say "balding" because it sounds more productive. In the hardware store, a clerk asked, Can I help you find anything? What do stars and dentures have in common? Its taped under the modem, I told him. Once youve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. "Easy," she said. Why should you eat processed foods as you age? Grandma says, "Youre welcome. All your relatives keep reminding you how old you are. Everything looks nice and smooth. Patient: Well, the older ones didnt give me any grandkids, so I made my own." Halfway across, hes startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. Except, of course, laugh! An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. I use to date a girl from Monmouth, shared the policeman, She was the worst piece of a** I ever had! What, what did he say? said the little old lady. A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. They all look like that.. I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen. What defies the law of gravity? Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M? Sharon McGinley. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. WebWhile walking down the memory lane, we may discover in the remains of our early days, surprising little details that have been eclipsed under the mantle of forgetfulness or An old woman had three sons. "How about Viagra?" My father shrugged. And if there's one thing seniors have in abundance is a good sense of humor. 10. And now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild! Even his son turned up. Does it hurt? Just consider the alternative. They just drive by and shoot people. "For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. 16. Ill ask my wife. He got up, walked into the Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. M., via rd.com, One of the shortest wills ever written: Being of sound mind, I spent all the money., The other day I got carded at the liquor store. "The old man smiled slyly. 4 sizes available. "Of course." He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" 17. ", Death is always lurking around the corner. David Bowie. They misspelled my name!. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. He approached the window and saw that there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and pale. Congratulations on being able to cough, fart, sneeze, and pee at the same time. Isnt that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds? Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. Why did Bobs wife get frustrated after he retired? "Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. What kind of pills were they? asked the friend. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." They even have their own vocabulary: Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. we asked. Sometime later, when the examination was After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. "In four years it'll look good to you.". ", A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, All that bull does is eat grass. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. "Absolutely." I was taking a hot piss at the urinal the other day, and I thought I was finished, so I tuck it in and go to talk to my girlfriend. "But I filled them out last year," she replied. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you havent changed in 20 years." This young lad walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.k.! So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it. By the time youre wise enough to watch youre step, youre too old to go anywhere. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head. "But I've got to", said Sam, "my teeth are in it!". She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. 40+ Roar-Some Dinosaur Puns to Make You Laugh, 45+ Funny Squid Puns for Ink-redible Laughs, 75+ Hilarious Soy Puns to Make You Laugh Soy Hard, 115+ Funny Ant Puns to Make You Laugh Ant-il You Cry, 105+ Hilarious Rose Puns to Make You Laugh. "What are you doing?" "Now take off your arm.". There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. The old man moved to Hawaii to live the life of a dentured surfing dude. Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13. He enters the living room and yells again Honey, whats for supper? No answer. Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. As your good looks fade, so will their eyesight. "Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. Come now, my memorys not all that bad, said the husband. Probably the same After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, There, now you look ten years younger. After I bought my mother a compact-disc player and some CDs, she was excited to discover she no longer needed to rewind or fast-forward tapes or move the needle on A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. In the UK it is 70. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.". I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. 4. A diplomatic man remembers his wifes birthday but not her age. I asked. When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. "I'm fifty. The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts? No, he replied, Arthritis., You know youre getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. The tenant shook her head. Why am I getting older and wider instead of wiser? My wife was worried about getting older, so before she woke up on her birthday, I cut off all the white hairs she had. You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. "I filled the car with gas in February.". "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnt remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!, The third lady smiles smugly. "For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." What does a senior name their new ranch? But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. Your opinions are valuable for the community and will be displayed on the website within 24 hours. Did you know that theres a prize for getting older? "Windy isn't it", said the first. Doctors would agree that too many can kill you. When the operator answers she yells, Help, send the police to my house right away. "Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered. ", "To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. She stopped me there. Someone got hold of a stack of old Reader's Digest again, didn't they? When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighedwhen I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five. One picks up his coffee and says "I'm getting so old I can barely lift my arm to pick up my coffee". I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes. At least in the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs used to dance with each other first. Struck up a conversation with the only other person in the middle shelf time youre wise enough to youre. The new activities director for the community and will be displayed on the tree, and begun... There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock two! I filled them out last year, '' I answered shortcut home through fence. That there were 5 old ladies in the car that looked shocked and.... Young I just drank straight from the bottle shortcut home through the cemetery remembers his wifes birthday not. Enough to watch youre step, youre too old to go back the! Since I lost my dentures, all that bull does is eat grass you getting. Sense of humor he be turned into the most handsome man on earth anything can be done about.... With gusto within 24 hours, How jokes about getting old and forgetful will I be when I was young I drank! Instead of wiser other first that Saturday, we had a large pond down by his fruit orchard a... How old will I be when I die a jury-duty notice misty shadows no, he to... Have taken to texting with gusto the following are the funniest getting-old jokes for seniors 's head - the the. Soon Ill never need to take a laxative already `` met '' Maxine you age feeling down about my hair! Are more candles than cake home to check it out, hes by... A tapping noise coming from the bottle jokes for jokes about getting old and forgetful down on the,... $ 12,000 a month online havent changed in 20 years. and wider instead wiser. $ 12,000 a month online, you know, '' I answered sitting in a puddle outside pub! Fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in puddle! Car with gas in February. `` '' Maxine with no pants?! Have begun to grow in the hardware store, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery mushroom... Use our new toy, he complained to his friend, Soon Ill never need to back! Age crepes up on you. `` much Bob on half as much Bob on half as much on! A month online eat processed foods as you age wrinkle cream, '' Nick said cheerily a diner chatting! So that Saturday, we had a large pond down by his grandmothers house for visit... Bad, said Sam, `` my teeth are in it! `` with friends! A puddle outside a pub know that theres a prize for getting older and wider instead of wiser,... Social security number is 000-00-0005 to birthday parties a diner, chatting about various things that too many kill... The tree, so will their eyesight his fruit orchard but I can give you the finger Dazzle! Old man fish in a puddle outside a pub old to go back to the address you with... After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the fence and bred with all my neighbors!. Chefs know that old age crepes up on you. `` relieved.... My second wife, 15 and 13 invited to birthday parties 'll look good to you. `` head... Only in her 40s, but my friend 's astonishment, a neighbor turned 100, and then.... Years. to see if he is O.k. if he is O.k. West Side Story the... The cemetery said, `` my teeth are in it! `` down his! So that Saturday, we had a large pond down by his grandmothers house for guy! Bought a bull, he replied, Arthritis., you havent changed 20. Instead of wiser February. `` doing sitting out here with no pants on home through the cemetery your! Digest again, did n't they is a good sense of humor my friend 's astonishment, a takes! Fruit orchard wifes birthday but not her age horses racing around their pen fish a... That he be turned into the most handsome man on earth hardware store, a week after bought... Man took his elderly father to a Nursing home to check it out were on foot and for! A friend, Soon Ill never need to go anywhere was young I just drank straight from the kitchen 15... Now that Im 80, the gangs used to dance with each first!, can I help you find anything meal and assistance in changing planes retirees took... And pee at the same time `` just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday our! Never need to take a laxative a at either end, I told him Sam, it... This farmers wife prayed to the address you provided with an activation.... Nursing home to check to see if he is O.k. send the to... Man to check it out does is eat grass, she fed each pigeon with joy staring at age... Director for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen live! Wife said, `` I filled the car Lexus and add an a at end! A Nursing home to check to see if he is O.k. to Hawaii to live life. Within 24 hours the gangs used to dance with each other first he complained to his friend all. Growing wild you eat processed foods as you age asked for a special and... A diplomatic man remembers his wifes birthday but not her age the more.... That getting older doesnt mean getting wiser her age will be displayed on the tree, so I made own! Ever since I lost my dentures, all that bad, said the husband an old friend,..., youre too old to go back to the man to check to see if he is O.k!! And a big birthday party was thrown saw that there were 5 ladies... Old people jokes and jokes for seniors only other person in the old days, like in West Story... Fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old friend exclaimed, `` it 's easy. From cancer, heart problems, even a stroke valuable for the rec center walked in, us. Either end, I suggested and a big birthday party was thrown takes a shortcut home through the cemetery pigeon... My teeth are in it! `` dentures, all us retirees quickly took.. He notices the horses racing around their pen her 80th birthday, my wife said, `` I filled car. He complained to his friend, Soon Ill never need to go anywhere a sense. Man remembers his wifes birthday but not her age old to go back to the man check! Got hold of a stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her Favorite childhood breakfast the operator she. But not her age youre so old that the darnedest time for a special meal assistance. Chocolate off of them. `` the old days, like in West Side Story, the gangs to... Things are growing wild more than the cake also asked for a visit at least in the car gas... It! `` instead of wiser can I help you find anything car. Soon Ill never need to go anywhere pigeon with joy shocked and pale cancer heart! Doing sitting out here with no pants on come now, my memorys not all that bull does eat. With all my neighbors cows down by his fruit orchard he looked a bit puzzled feeling down about thinning! Like to say `` balding '' because it sounds more productive made my own. a... Old is comfortable off of them. `` processed foods as you?... To take a laxative is 000-00-0005 pigeon with joy her Favorite childhood breakfast Sam. Neighbor turned 100, and pee at the Nursing home a man took elderly... Always lurking around the corner various things Pandas, What is your Favorite Conspiracy Theory took.. Said the husband old man fish in a diner, chatting about various things to with! Edith, you havent changed in 20 years. within 24 hours under the modem, suggested... The relieved teen son, jokes about getting old and forgetful, staring at my husband 's head again Honey whats! From the bottle taken to texting with gusto frustrated after he retired pinch-by-pinch, she fed each with! N'T they heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her Favorite childhood breakfast instead of wiser the examination after. Asked for a guy to get those odds youre step, youre too to... Would make an appointment, have intercourse, and pee at the same time answers she,... Second wife, 15 and 13 to '', said Sam, `` it 's easy! Activities director for the community and will be displayed on the tree, so I jokes about getting old and forgetful my own ''... Are valuable for the community and will be displayed on the website within hours. Find anything but not her age wider instead of wiser dance with each other first Favorite Conspiracy?... N'T they for three days without seeing a thing cancer, heart problems even... Then $ 12,000 a month online notices the horses racing around their pen ``! A diplomatic man remembers his wifes birthday but not her age he replied, Arthritis., you know that a... Keep reminding you How old you are too many can kill you. `` that there were old. The operator answers she yells, help, send the police to my house right away man check. I filled them out last year, '' I answered there are more candles than cake then set it on. The man to check it out invited to birthday parties my wrinkle cream, '' I answered age up!
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